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Diet Savers

2 1/12 months and 22 pounds ago I committed to stop being a fatty. Here have been the Top 10 Diet Savers.

1. Diet Power - Calculates metabolism, tracks calories eaten and burned, and graphs progress.

2. Mio - Great motivator during workouts, lets me know how many calories I'm burning.

3. Parkay Spray - Zero Calories!

4. Air Popper - Rock some air popped popcorn with some mutant spray butter and you've got something like a snack.

5. Jumbo Baked Potato - Break out the butter spray again. At 100 calories for a Jumbo Baker this is the most bang for your calorie budget you will find.

6. Racquetball - Burns a ton of calories and it's fun! Just don't ask me how many games I've won...

7. Diet Caffine Free Pepsi - I'm not going to lie to you, this stuff tastes nasty, but at a BBQ or eating pizza it fills the void.

8. Fudgsicle - The sweet tooth demands love and at 60 calories this is pretty dang good.

9. Sara Lee Reduced Calorie Bread - It tastes pretty much the same and it's half the calories.

10. Beef - Stir-fry with veggies or grilled with baked potato. Only 120 calories for 4 ounces. It's what's for dinner.

Honorable Mention - Chicken, V8, and Chocolate Animal Crackers.

Do you have any calorie bargins? Let me know, I'm hungry!

Blissfully Bored

When I was in 6th grade my teacher would always say, "Smart people don't get bored." For some reason I thought she just meant that we should just enjoy doing nothing, and I took it as a challenge, perfected it, made it a way of life, but as I look at her comment in retrospect I now believe she intended for us to always be busy and productive.Well there goes 20 years of my life...

- Uncle Mitch

Rock Doctrine

Just a bunch of random rock trivia that hasn't found a home. You are now about to witness the strength of street knowledge...

- Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee has given Keith Richards a pardon for an old traffic violation. Richards was fined $162.20 in 1975 after being stopped in Fordyce for reckless driving.When Huckabee talked to the ageless wonder backstage at a Stones concert he suggested that Keith apply for a pardon after joking about his wild past. Asked if Arkansas voters would object, Huckabee declared, "Not from anybody with an IQ above plant life."

- One of Rock greatest love triangles, "Layla" was released in 1970. Written by Eric Clapton about George Harrison’s wife, Patti Boyd, Clapton titled the song after the Persian epic, The Story Of Layla And Majnun, about a doomed romance. Harrison was Clapton's best friend. Slowhand eventually married Patti in 1979 and also wrote “Wonderful Tonight” for her. They divorced in 1988.

- In 1985 Robert Plant formed The Honeydrippers including, among others, Jeff Beck, Paul Shaffer (Letterman's sidekick) and Led Zeppelin bandmate Jimmy Page. Their single, a cover of Phil Phillips' "Sea of Love," peaked at number three on the American charts. Led Zeppelin's highest-charting single "Whole Lotta Love," only made it to number four.

- Uncle Mitch

Wake Up Jeff!

Ok, so the Wiggles are outside the scope of what normally is considered Rock, but I've got a two year old that will punch you in the nose if you say they aren't cool. And hey, Murray is the self-proclaimed "King of Guitar." It seems that Jeff is no stranger to the rock 'n roll lifestyle either, whether he's wandering around aimlessly in "Where's Jeff?" or he's coping with the side effects of a Slaughter inspired "up all night sleep all day" philosophy, Jeff clearly puts a strain on the rest of the Wiggles who sometimes wonder if he'll even be ready for the afternoon show. Maybe Jeff's naps are just the root of a bigger problem, let's take a look. Wake up, Jeff, everybody’s wiggling Wake up, Jeff, we really need you Wake up, Jeff; you’re missing all the fun now Wake up, Jeff, before the days through Excessive sleep could be a sign of manic depression. Where does depression hurt? Who does depression hurt? How does depression hurt? The drug pushers of Eli Lilly's Cymbalta would certainly like Jeff to ask himself these questions while listening to mournful string music. They've also given us this nifty self-assessment checklist on their website so we can diagnose ourselves and tell our doctors what medications we need. Let's apply some of these to the life of our friend Jeff.Self-Assessment Depression ChecklistI don't enjoy hobbies, leisure activities or time with friends and family anymore. No, it's still pure joy that's on Jeff's face when he's jamming out on that accordion with his bros.I'm sleeping too much. Duh!Digestive problems No, that's Anthony. Don't even get me started on his compulsive eating problem...Vague aches and pains (e.g., joint or muscle pains) Well isn't that true for everybody? Let's not get carried away here people!People have commented on my mood or attitude lately. I really can't think of a more likeable guy than Jeff.My weight has changed considerably. Actually, I've often marveled at how fit that Jeff and the other Wiggles are. What are those guys, like in their 40s? I guess all of that wiggling really burns some calories.I've thought about suicide. Are you kidding me? He's a millionaire, and he's adored by children and moms all over the world. How could life get any better than that?I've had several of the symptoms I checked above for more than two weeks. Nope. Whew, so I guess Jeff isn't depressed at all.What’s that sound?I can hear somebody snoring What’s that sound? It's not Murray or Greg Anthony’s awake, so let’s have another guess now Oh my goodness, it must be Jeff So why is Jeff sleeping while Anthony is stuffing his pie hole with fruit salad? Maybe he's got narcolepsy. According to WebMD , "Narcolepsy is a neurological disorder that affects the control of sleep and wakefulness. People with narcolepsy experience excessive daytime sleepiness and intermittent, uncontrollable episodes of falling asleep during the daytime. These sudden sleep attacks may occur during any type of activity at any time of the day." That's it! With narcolepsy people can just dose off at anytime and go strait into a deep REM sleep. It's in REM sleep that we can experience dreams and muscle paralysis. No wonder they don't let Jeff drive the big red car! Wake up, Jeff, everybody’s wiggling Wake up, Jeff, we really need you Wake up, Jeff; you’re missing all the fun now Wake up, Jeff, before the days through Dorothy the dinosaur is munching on some roses Wags the Dog is digging up bones Henry the Octopus is dancing round in circles Wake up Jeff; we need you for the show Now I wonder if Dorothy, Wags, and Henry are even real, or are they just some of Jeff's narcoleptic hallucinations...Keep wiggling!

- Uncle Mitch

Sweet Home Alabama

Being that I live in the South, I have heard Lynard Skynard's "Sweet Home Alabama" a lot. It would be trite to say I've heard it at least a million times, it would also be accurate. Then it hit me today with my car stereo blasting out a wicked duel guitar assault - I don't know what the heck Ronnie is singing. I know the words, but what do they mean? So after a little half-hearted research, I give you my commentary on a truly great Classic Rock standard.Big wheels keep on turning, carry me home to see my kin singing songs about the southland.I miss ole bamy once again and I think it's a sin. Yes.Well, I heard Mister Young sing about her.Well, I heard ole Neil put her down.Well, I hope Neil Young will remembera southern man don't need him around anyhow.Now this is just an old school smackdown response. I never liked Neil Young because of this verse (as if his whiney voice wasn't reason enough). Apparently Young has two songs, "Southern Man" ("Southern change gonna come at last Now your crosses are burning fast Southern Man...") and "Alabama" ("Oh Alabama The devil fools with the best laid plan...") that don't flatter Southern men or Alabama very much. So Ronnie is just telling him to shut up and go back to Winnipeg and play his harmonica. Sweet home Alabamawhere the skies are so blue.Sweet home Alabama,Lord, I'm coming home to you. In Birmingham they love the Gov'nor.Boo hoo hoo.Now we all did what we could do.Presumably the Governor in reference was George Wallace, who in 1963 tried to stop segregation of the Alabama schools and slow the process of Civil Rights in general. Because he gave the state such a black eye in the national media and was at the time a racist idiot, he gets a Boo hoo hoo. Besides the Boo hoo, I'm not sure what else Skynard did about the situation, or what they could have done, Ronnie was just 15 at the time.Now Watergate does not bother me.Does your conscience bother you, tell the truth.Forgive my lack of clarity on what Watergate was really all about. When I was in 10th grade I found out with a stroke of good luck that my History teacher was a Price Is Right junkie. Most weekdays at 10am the TV was rolled out and History waited on Bob Barker. Of course, I made sure that I had her class the following two years - at 10am. When Mrs. Anderson did teach she was fiery and impassioned. I remember well her lessons on WWII and the Cuban Missile Crisis, but I'm afraid that when it was time to learn about Watergate, I was watching beautiful models display Plinko.What I did know about Watergate is the quote "I am not a crook", Nixon resigned, and someone involved was called Deep Throat. In a nutshell, five Nixon cronies tried to wiretap the Democrats in hope of getting some dirt on them so that Nixon could get reelected. Nixon was reelected but the aftermath of his conspiracies and attempts to cover them up lead to his resignation. He was a crook. W. Mark Felt was Deep Throat.I think Ronnie is just trying to say that politicians are wicked and it's a good thing that Alabama is so far away from the insanity of Washington. And no, my conscience doesn't bother me either, but corruption at the highest levels of government does make me feel a little bit uneasy.Sweet home Alabama where the skies are so blue.Sweet home Alabama, Lord, I'm coming home to you.Now Muscle Shoals has got the Swampersand they ve been known to pick a song or two.Lord, they get me off so much,they pick me up when I'm feeling blue,now how about you.Muscle Shoals is a town in Alabama famous for the many songs recorded there (It's also the birthplace of Helen Keller). The Swampers, nicknamed by Mick Jagger, were a group of highly regarded studio musicians that can be heard on many hits including "Respect" by Aretha Franklin and Bob Seger's "Old Time Rock'n Roll".Sweet home Alabama where the skies are so blue.Sweet home Alabama,Lord, I'm coming home to you.Sweet home Alabama where the skies are so blue.Sweet home Alabama,Lord, I'm coming home to you.

- Uncle Mitch

Van Diemen's Land

Happy St. Patrick's Day! Predictably, I will investigate a U2 song, but it will not be "Sunday Bloody Sunday", that one is just too heavy. "Van Diemen's Land" was first included on Rattle and Hum, an awesome album that was never given a fair chance, as it was the follow up to the epic Joshua Tree. Van Diemen's Land reminds me of an old Irish drinking song.The liner notes read,"Dedicated to John Boyle O'Reilly, a Fenian poet deported from Ireland to Australia because of his poetry. [It wasn't very good . . . !]".Well, let's take a look at the poetry of The Edge as he, not Bono, was the writer and singer on this little ditty.Hold me now, oh hold me now'til this hour has gone aroundAnd I'm gone on the rising tideFor to face Van Diemen's landAccording to the always accurate Wikipedia, Van Diemen's land was the original name used by Europeans for the island of Tasmania. Abel Tasman named it in honor of Anthony van Diemen who had sent him on the voyage that discovered the island.Mr. Tasman could have just named it Tasmania after himselfto begin with, but I guess he was just too humble. In 1803 Tasmania was established as a penal colony. The Edge must have taken a little poetic license, because everything I've read (including the liner notes) says John Boyle was sent to Australia. Either way, he was probably not too thrilled with his one way ticket.It's a bitter pill I swallow hereTo be rent from one so dearWe fought for justice and not for gainBut the magistrate sent me awayFenian is a term used since the 1850s for an Irish nationalist that supports violence against British rule. The Magistrate originally gave a death sentence to O'Reilly, but because of his young age it was reduced to 20 years Down Under.Now kings will rule and the poor will toilAnd tear their hands as they tear the soilBut a day will come in this dawning ageWhen an honest man sees an honest wageO'Reilly escaped to Boston after only one year in Australia and made an honest wage and then some as an editor, writer, and poet. Ultimately, O'Reilly rejected Fenianism after witnessing their failed attempt to gain leverage over the British by invading Canada. Always an Irish patriot, he continued to advocate a free Ireland through changes in legislation.Hold me now, oh hold me now'til this hour has gone aroundAnd I'm gone on the rising tideFor to face Van Diemen's landRumor has it that U2 was receiving death threats from the IRA and decided to leave this last verse off of the album to avoid any bombings at their concerts. Still the gunman rules and widows payA scarlet coat now a black beretThey thought that blood and sacrificeCould out of death bring forth a life

- Uncle Mitch